Finding Food Freedom, Annie’s Story

Recovering from my eating disorder (ED) was the hardest decision I have made thus far in my life. My eating disorder was my closest friend for a while. How was I supposed to let go? What did my life even look like without it? For a while, these were the questions that kept me from finding freedom with food.

I was 12 years old when I was diagnosed with my eating disorder. It took me 8 years and hitting my lowest point to decide that it was time to take my life back. I spent years going in and out of treatment- a small part of me was not willing to fully let go of my eating disorder. Eventually I wondered, what was holding me back?

It wasn’t until I realized that the core of my eating disorder was not about the food. It was really about all of the emotions that I wasn’t letting myself feel. The loneliness was suppressed with thoughts about food all day, the depression and anxiety were numbed through dangerous behaviors, the feeling of rejection was suppressed knowing my eating disorder was right by my side, and my insecurities about the way I looked were taken care of by my eating disorder’s “promises.” Knowing this, why was I still engaging with the eating disorder?

Working through intense, strong, negative feelings is REALLY HARD! In the moments that I chose recovery over the eating disorder, it tried to remind me of the times it took care of me when I was struggling with my mental health. It took discipline and courage to fight this voice, and constant reminders that “my eating disorder is not serving me anymore.”

One of the biggest successes that led to my recovery was sticking true to my values and reconnecting with what is most important to me. Did I want to be remembered for being the thinnest or having the most control at meals? Or did I want to be remembered for being a good daughter and sister, a compassionate friend, and a strong athlete? Acknowledging my values provided the internal motivation that allowed me to make strides in my recovery- and make my recovery sustainable.

It has been researched that internal factors are far more motivating than external factors. Here are some things to consider as internal motivators:

○ Ask yourself if your core values are lining up with the actions of your ED.

○ Define the reasons why you want to recover.

○ Remind yourself about why your ED was/is no longer serving you.

It has been 3 full years now that I have been in recovery. Now I am able to see the world through beautiful colors rather than a dark place that revolves around food lies and fear. Recovery gets exhausting and takes a lot of work- BUT living a life suppressing your feelings and coping with eating disorder behaviors is even harder. YOU are the only one that can choose to let go of your eating disorder and experience a life of food freedom…. and you can.

-Annie Clark